Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
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If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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