3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
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they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
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Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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