i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
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