I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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