new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
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How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
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We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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