So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
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you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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