In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
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I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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