i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
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