you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
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She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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