put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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