I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize