i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize