My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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