Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
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We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
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eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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