1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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