I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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