he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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