my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
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I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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