I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
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I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
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Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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