apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
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don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
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Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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