I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I faked an abortion last night.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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