There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
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Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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