Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
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Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
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You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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