there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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