I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
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I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
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I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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