If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I've blown a few things in my day
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
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I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
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Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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