I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
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Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
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I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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