I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize