$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
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You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
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it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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