Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize