I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
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We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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