Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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