I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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