i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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