Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
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For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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