Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You are a genius and a whore.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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