I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
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good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
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I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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