Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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