Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
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i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
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He's a Shit stain on my heart
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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