I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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