the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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