oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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