I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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