I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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