Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
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So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
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Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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