I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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