I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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