Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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