I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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