apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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